The short answer is no. — This advice almost ruined my life: Believe in yourself. Never give up. You hear stuff like this all the time. It’s on all kinds of merchandise. It’s the lesson behind every inspirational memoir and self-help book on the shelves. Americans just eat it up. It’s the Cinnabon of life lessons. …

Grit runs out. — Nazis tried to kill my grandpa. They literally chased him around Germany in a tank. Their tank was a lot bigger and faster. My grandpa survived by shooting the tracks off the bigger tank. Each time, the Nazis had to stop and fix it — giving his crew enough time…

Putin is still winning. — Vladimir Putin just announced a “partial mobilization” of Russia’s military. He’s calling up 300,000 men to fight in Ukraine. He also intends to annex parts of the country under Russian control. We’re losing. Look, we all grasp that Putin is an evil dude. Calling him names and making fun of…

Yes, I’m going to mask forever. — He actually said it. The current president went on a news show and declared the pandemic over. He did that despite objections from large swaths of the medical community, including scores of experts. A couple of days ago, I read a story from an immunocompromised woman. The pharmacy wouldn’t fill…

It’s time for new small talk. — After the Dust Bowl of the 1930s, something even worse happened in America. It was the “Texas drought” of the 1950s, which lasted most of the decade. Of course, it spread across the entire plains region. The dust storms were so bad, teachers had to walk students to the buses…

We need solutions, not lobotomies. — Did you know: Removing the frontal lobes of chimpanzees makes them calmer and more cooperative. That’s what psychologists found out in the early 20th century. Their research paved the way for frontal lobotomies, a procedure developed by Dr. António Egas Moniz in the 1930s to treat patients with schizophrenia, anxiety…

We’ve given up against disease. — They lied to us. Our public health department just sent us an official letter announcing a “possible” case of chickenpox at our school. After some prodding, we found out that nobody bothered to confirm the diagnosis with a test. Then they told us it could be any number of other…

Consider this a final warning. — Condoms used to be illegal in America. You couldn’t sell them until the repeal of the Comstock law in 1936. They were considered obscene. I know, hard to believe… We also used to have swimsuit police. Yes, actual police officers used to patrol swimming pools and beaches in American cities…

Monarchs stick together. — He really did it. Before praising Queen Elizabeth II and expressing his “deepest condolences,” Jeff Bezos decided to publicly shame a sociolinguistics professor and child of genocide for wishing the queen an “excruciating” death on Twitter. His exact words: “This is someone supposedly working to make the world better? I…