Your secret path to wealth and fame

Advice to any aspiring artist on instant, everlasting success.

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Nick Starichenko

1. Go to Harvard

Maybe you’ve noticed that writers with fancy degrees have an easier time racking up bylines. They’ll tell you otherwise, but that’s a lie. You have to earn a degree from a Top 10 school. Do whatever it takes.

2. Die clutching your manuscript

Let’s imagine you can’t attend an Ivy League school. That’s okay. Other paths lie ahead, like posthumous success. Go ahead and start working on your masterpiece. When that’s done, go sit on a park bench and die.

3. Network like you own the place

Maybe you don’t want to die just yet. That’s okay. Go to writers’ conferences with trash bags full of manuscripts. Hand them out to anyone who looks like an agent or editor.

4. Start 7 blogs

Okay, so networking didn’t help just yet. Start a blog. No, start three. No, start seven. The more blogs you run, the better. Create different names for yourself. One of them’s bound to catch an agent’s attention.

5. Create a Wix site

Nobody takes a writer seriously unless they have a sparking website, full of stock images of writers and forests. Or coffee. Or all three.

6. Develop an addiction

Maybe you already have one. That’s great! If not, I strongly recommend sex or hard drugs. That’ll give you some street cred, and something interesting to write about.

7. Stop reading completely

Successful writers don’t waste their time reading classic works of literature. Or even other people’s blogs. If they do, it’s only to gain attention for themselves.

8. Solipsism is key

Maybe some readers want to be entertained, or educated. But others just enjoy hearing writers whine about their stats, or how long it takes to become successful. Complain as much as you can.

Written by

She’s the funny one.

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