Being sexy goes way beyond looks, charm, and confidence. You can have all these things, and still not qualify.
A girl might go on the first few dates based on someone’s appearance and personality. But all that wears off.
That’s short term sexy.
What you want is long term sexy — that’s what keeps her around for years and years. That’s what makes her love you.
Brag about her to your friends
Almost nothing is sexier than telling all your friends that your wife or girlfriend has good news to share. Promote them a little. That shows you really see her value.
One of my friends just did this with her boyfriend. We were out having drinks, and she plugged his new job.
He’s a little reserved, but she cleared space for everyone to get interested and turn the conversation in his direction for a little while. It was smooth and organic. You could tell he appreciated it.
You can do the same thing.
Making someone feel appreciated — like part of your tribe — that’s sexy. It shows you really want them included in your life.
Make friends with her vibrator
You know she’s got one. Don’t make her hide it in a little plastic container under the bed, or wait until you’re out of earshot. Once you start having sex, ask about it. Let the vibrator into your sex life.
It’s not a threat to you. Vibrators make sex better. Embracing the vibrator means you’re confident in your own sexuality.
From there, you can try other sex toys. You can read articles and books on how to make sex better, and experiment.
Be willing to try new things
What makes you interesting isn’t just the life you already have, but the life you’re going to build with someone. Try out new restaurants. Go on trips together. Take classes together.
Put some effort into planning things yourself. So often, women become the social coordinators of a relationship. Taking some of that mental load off her mind is sexy. Giving her new experiences is sexy. Taking her on little adventures is especially sexy.
Remember her birthday, and get it right
This is one date you should memorize ASAP. Find out what she likes, including the kind of cake.
Remembering she doesn’t like coconut flakes or dense chocolate, that’s sexy. Surprising her with the right little gift — sexy. It doesn’t have to be expensive. All it has to do is show her you listen during conversations. Hint: it’s not anything remotely like a Pandora charm.
Here’s why it matters so much: If you can’t get her birthday right, you’re telling her to expect a lifetime of shallow gifts and favors that she has to pretend to appreciate.
Obliging her to eat cake she doesn’t like? Making her say thanks for jewelry that gives her a rash? That’s not sexy.
You can do better.
Craft your own rich personal life
They say you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. That’s not exactly true, but it points to something that is.
You have to see yourself as a whole person.
You have to live the kind of life that doesn’t hinge on finding a soulmate. This is what makes someone look attractive — and not just in a physical way. Create a world someone else wants to live in with you.
Create a world with friends, interests, hobbies, sports, books, or whatever fills you up on the inside. This is the kind of world that keeps someone from coming off as clingy and codependent. It’s what keeps you from obsessing over why she hasn’t texted you back yet.
It needs to be your world, something full of things you truly enjoy and find meaningful. Not everyone has to feel drawn to this world. The right person will, though, and that’s what you want.
Work on your emotional intelligence
Dealing with your emotions is sexy. Hiding them isn’t. Someone who conforms to masculine stereotypes isn’t strong and independent. Their emotions leak out in all kinds of toxic ways.
They just don’t realize it.
You don’t have to cry in front of her if you don’t want to. But you should learn how to cry, at least by yourself.
You need to talk about how you’re feeling, and think about it, so you can direct your emotions at the right place. Ignore your emotions, and you’ll probably end up taking them out on the wrong person.
Let her have a life outside of you
You can’t expect someone to give up their life to slide into yours. Whoever you date has their own friends and routines. They’ll want to do some things that don’t include you.
Being okay with that is sexy.
It’s the first bonus of having your own rich inner life.
Every now and then, I meet a couple where one person feels entitled to every aspect of the other person’s life. He wants to meet all her friends, he calls her every single day to see what she’s up to. She can’t go anywhere without telling him exactly what time she’ll be back.
This isn’t sexy — it’s possessive, and a little creepy.
A great relationship happens when two rich personal lives overlap. You’ve got your things, and she’s got hers, and you have the life in the middle — the best of both your worlds.
Make yourself an equal contributor
A shared life gets messy. Once you move in together, you’ve got double the amount of dishes and laundry. The bathrooms get dirty twice as fast. A sexy man understand that.
Self-sufficiency is sexy as hell.
That means you do your own laundry, cook half the meals, and take care of half the housework.
If you really want to impress her, ask this question: “Am I doing enough? Is there anything else I can help with?”
Obviously, this deal works both ways. If you think she’s not doing enough, then bring it up.
Taking care of someone is sexy
All of this advice works regardless of your gender. It’s about attending to little details and nuance. It’s about taking care of yourself, and her, and both of you over the long haul.
Taking care of someone means listening to them, and understanding them so well that you don’t always have to ask what they want. You just know. But at the same time, you balance what you think you know with the awareness that sometimes you don’t get it right.
Taking care of someone is the sexiest thing of all.