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Let’s say you’d rather spend Thanksgiving with the Manson family than your own. For lots of us, that sounds like a serious upgrade. At least Uncle Charles has some spicy coffee table chit-chat. I’ll bet that guy’s got a ton of great stories.
But most of us just want to spend the holidays at home, by ourselves. No driving. No traffic. No airport drama. No awkward conversations with your aunt about when you’re getting married. Or when you’re going to pump out a baby. Or when you’re going to let them baptize said baby.
Lucky for you, I’m here with solutions. Lie to them. Yes, lie. But you’ll need a good excuse — something believable yet serious enough to justify your absence. Are you ready? Let’s begin:
- Tell them you’re having surgery. Yes, on Thanksgiving. Sucks, doesn’t it? But that’s when the doctors could fit you in. Make the ailment something small like an appendix, or an ovary cyst. Don’t overplay your hand. With something like heart surgery or a brain tumor, they’d probably fly up to provide comfort and moral support. You don’t want that.
- Your house was hit by a meteor. Nobody would have the balls to make up something so outlandish. They’ll ask why an event like that didn’t make the news. Tell them houses get hit by meteors all the time out here. They even sell meteor insurance.
- You were arrested. Pretend you’re calling from jail. The best part is you get to make up the crime. Me? I’m going with murder, with a twist. The police mistook me for an international assassin. The whole thing gets cleared up eventually, just in time for Black Friday.
- You’ve suffered an incident of STT — Spontaneous Time Travel. Yes, scientists confirmed it’s a thing. You were just walking along and then bam! You traveled 300 hundred parsecs into the future. Then 5 minutes later you reappeared on Friday afternoon. The CDC quarantined you for three days to run tests. You’re fine. STT has no known side effects.
- Tell them you got carjacked. You can’t drive home if you don’t have a car, right? To convince them it was real, add a quirky one-liner. Something like, “It’s bad enough that my car got stolen, but I’d just bought a pumpkin spice latte. Now I’ll never get to drink it.”
- Your idiot husband accidentally drove you both to Canada. Yep, you reclined your seat to take a nap. Next thing you knew, a Mountie was standing over your car, asking you both to exit the vehicle. And a moose. Somewhere you saw a moose. Traumatizing.
- Your dog got struck by lightning. Poor puppy, the vet says he’ll pull through. You wish you could come home, but your pet needs you in this moment of crisis.
- A game of adult hide-and-seek went terribly wrong. You don’t even need to explain this further. To anyone.
- Tell them your spouse was abducted — either by those guys from Taken, or aliens. Of course, aliens would be a tough sell. It invites questions about your sanity. At the least, you’d have to make some crop signs in your back yard. Do you even grow, bro?
- Fake your own death. Better yet, convince your family you never even existed. Hire a hacker to break into your parents’ electronic devices and erase you. Also, send someone into their house to take all those goofy high school pictures they’ve got hanging up everywhere. You always hated those. Over time, they’ll wonder, “Did we actually have a daughter, or was it all just a strange dream, like Inception?”
Now you can spend that weekend like nature truly ended. Eating microwavable turkey dinners and Netflix binging. Doesn’t that sound like fun? You’ve even downloaded a new real-time strategy game and convinced your spouse to travel back to the east coast without you. She totally understands and supports your need for some alone time to recharge. While watching porn uninhibited. Happy holidays.