Rejected Shark Tank Ideas

I’ve been trying to get on Shark Tank for years now. I’ve emailed them so many great ideas, and you know what? Not one single invite. I even check my spam folder, just in case. Nothing. They’re such jerks. Like this one time, I was doing cocaine with my college friends, and we realized there’s really no straw that’s the exact right length and circumference. So we had this week-long brainstorming session where we calculated the exact specifications for the perfect snorting straw. Shark Tank never responded.

We had so many more ideas. Like you know that phrase “beer goggles?” It’s when you get drunk, and between that and bar lighting you mistake a dried up divorcee for a super model. Well, my friends and I were playing around with snap chat filters and talking about Google glasses, and suddenly I had this epiphany. After silencing everyone, I asked “What if Google made glasses with snap chat filters, so that every girl you ogled looked amazing? You could even wear them during sex!” My friends were all so impressed, we did a group high five and another round of shots. Then we typed out a business plan on our smart phones and sent it to Shark Tank.

We came up with the best product name, too. Ogle Glasses. That was months ago, and nothing. Severe disappointment.

I swear to God, if I see some dude fucking a girl in a bathroom with Snap Chat Google…