I’ve been trying to get on Shark Tank for years now. I’ve emailed them so many great ideas, and you know what? Not one single invite. I even check my spam folder, just in case. Nothing. They’re such jerks. Like this one time, I was doing cocaine with my college friends, and we realized there’s really no straw that’s the exact right length and circumference. So we had this week-long brainstorming session where we calculated the exact specifications for the perfect snorting straw. Shark Tank never responded.
We had so many more ideas. Like you know that phrase “beer goggles?” It’s when you get drunk, and between that and bar lighting you mistake a dried up divorcee for a super model. Well, my friends and I were playing around with snap chat filters and talking about Google glasses, and suddenly I had this epiphany. After silencing everyone, I asked “What if Google made glasses with snap chat filters, so that every girl you ogled looked amazing? You could even wear them during sex!” My friends were all so impressed, we did a group high five and another round of shots. Then we typed out a business plan on our smart phones and sent it to Shark Tank.
We came up with the best product name, too. Ogle Glasses. That was months ago, and nothing. Severe disappointment.
I swear to God, if I see some dude fucking a girl in a bathroom with Snap Chat Google glasses, I’m going to call my dad’s lawyer.
But life goes on. Get ready for the next idea: Do-it-yourself liposuction! This idea came 100 % from me. I was on the elliptical machine behind these two trust fund girls talking about their recent procedures. They were draining my chi, but then a commercial for Dirt-Devil came on the flat screen TV overhead and suddenly it hit me. What if you could do the whole thing at home, with a box cutter and a handheld vacuum?
I mean, that was the prototype. The retail version would look much nicer, and come in different colors.
Again, nothing from the Shark Tank people.
Genius ideas kept coming to me, but Shark Tank never responded. Here’s another one. So some of the best ideas are really just a combination of existing ideas. Right? That got me to thinking: Everybody loves Alexa, and guys in particular love sex dolls. So what if you just put Alexa inside a sex doll? Such a simple idea. It would be like having a live-in escort who could also look up words and order things on Amazon.
Product name? Selexa.
But Shark Tank never wrote back. It was starting to get weird.
Undaunted, I listened closely to my friends for ideas. One day, my sister-in-law was swiping through Tinder at our favorite tapas place, and I noticed that all the guys she swiped right on looked a little bit like her brother. We talked about it, and that led me to sleeping with this programmer friend who said he could rig some facial recognition software that automatically compares Tinder matches to people you find attractive, including family members you might have incestuous fantasies about but never act on. We sent that email off a few weeks ago, so I’m crossing my fingers.
If Shark Tank doesn’t respond to that idea, I’ll be fine. I’ve been working with my friends and my dad’s friends and my mom’s social circle and lots of other people to brainstorm ideas. Here’s a preview:
- Greeting cards for awkward situations. Hey, not everything’s a birthday. Sometimes you find out that you’re the father, that your mom tried to abort you twenty years ago, or that your best friend slept with your husband on your honeymoon. We need greeting cards for all those situations where we really fucked up, but we’re still too lazy to think for ourselves. That’s where my new company comes in. I call it Awk Cards, Inc. Awk for awkward, right?
- Tasers for tots. Moms deal with tons of stress. One of my friends got pregnant and had a kid, and now she hates life. Almost every day she says something like, “God, I wish I could just punch that little baby.” You can’t do that though, because hello jail. Fortunately my friend has a great babysitter, so we can still get super wasted on Saturdays. Las time, we found my sister’s stun gun and tried it out on some guys downtown. It’s really powerful. Probably too much voltage for infants. But that made us think, what if some company like Gerber’s could make a little stun gun that emitted just enough charge to have a mild incapacitating effect on small kids? That could relieve so much stress, and Social Services would never need to know. We think it could be a huge seller.
- DOY Fake IDs. Look, we all know that underage people will find alcohol somehow. I did, and look how I turned out. I’m a freaking genius. The problem is that making a faking ID’s hard than ever. But we’ve seen huge leaps forward with 3D printers. They’re even talking about printing 3D organs and body parts. If we can do that, why can’t we design high-powered, ultra 3D scanners and printers to make exact replicas of state driver’s licenses? Killer idea.
- True News. We’ve all heard so much about fake news the past year. I’m so tired of it. What if you could just make fake news real? That could save everyone a lot of time and frustration. My hacker friends and I hashed this idea out after a weekend hiking trip that went bad. We got lost in the woods for a few days and almost starved. Maybe the lack of food, dehydration, and shrooms contributed, but I think we have to give ourselves a little credit here. We came up with this idea for an app. Whatever you say, this app interfaces with major news outlets’ apps and generates a story automatically. So if you blurt out something weird like “Hillary Clinton tried to seduce Barack Obama at a Swiss hotel in 2007,” don’t worry. This app will write a 300-word story and upload it to all the major news websites. Your strange, delusional fan fiction just became truth, my friend.
Thanks for reading my post. If Shark Tank doesn’t like my ideas, maybe someone will and give me millions of dollars. But be warned. If one of these ideas winds up on Shark Tank, and you get rich, I’ll find you. My dad knows this one guy with a particular set of skills. So respect my intellectual property, or you’ll live to regret it.