Reclaiming My Rape Fantasies

It’s time to stop letting people shame us.

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Rape fantasies are the last thing anyone wants to talk about these days. We’re afraid that nuance will jam things up even more. But we should.

Almost every day, I imagined elaborate scenarios that involved stalking, kidnap, and coercion. Even just pretending in my head made sex better. Imagine doing that, and never telling your partner.

You can learn a lot about yourself by exploring your darkest, most taboo sexual desires. Despite what your parents taught you, it’s healthy.

Since then, I’ve done research. Forced sex actually ranks high on many women’s playlists. And men’s. In fact, almost half of men have fantasized about being raped by a woman, or another man.

Rape fantasies and role play are paragons of consent. No matter how dark or violent, they hinge on clear communication and mutual respect.

Women and men both fantasize about losing control. Or giving up power. They love imagining themselves the object of someone else’s uncontrollable lust. That’s how we’ve wound up with so many love scenes where one person initiates the action, pinning their partner against a wall.

Healthy people fantasize about hundreds of things that they know can never happen in life. A rape fantasy can never violate your consent. When you’re inside your head, you control everything that happens.

Some of my darker fantasies go beyond consent. They’ll always remain fantasies. You see, no amount of imagination can ever undo this simple fact: you’re still in control of what happens.

A healthy sex life doesn’t mean you engage in missionary style sex with one partner every Friday night. That works for some people, but it’s been held up as the norm for far too long.

There’s no room for ambiguity. You’re either role-playing, or not. She’s either used a safe word, or she hasn’t.

We don’t have to let everyone into our bedrooms, but we shouldn’t have to hide there either.

Sexual assault survivors are the only people who might express justifiable dismay or disgust at the idea of rape fantasies. They’ve lived through the hell. They know more than anyone that rape is the worst thing you can do to someone, short of murdering them.

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