Job Offer to A Stalker

I’m pleased to offer you a full-time position as my personal stalker for the duration of 2017–2018. The position carries no salary and will require a 24-hour, 7-day weekly schedule. You will receive no vacations or sick leave. Additionally, this opportunity involves certain health hazards such as application of pepper spray to the face and eyes, contact with stun guns, altercations with law enforcement, and knees to the genital area. If you are…

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