Job Offer to A Stalker

I’m pleased to offer you a full-time position as my personal stalker for the duration of 2017–2018. The position carries no salary and will require a 24-hour, 7-day weekly schedule. You will receive no vacations or sick leave. Additionally, this opportunity involves certain health hazards such as application of pepper spray to the face and eyes, contact with stun guns, altercations with law enforcement, and knees to the genital area. If you are still interested, the position begins immediately.

You may work from a range of locations including the bench adjacent to my office, the parking deck on the north side of campus, or the bushes outside my bedroom windows. Other possible work spaces include my favorite coffee shop, the supermarket near my house, or my fitness center. You may also opt to telecommute 2–3 days per week, stalking me online.

We received many fine applications, but yours stood out for several reasons. My friends and I believe you have the commitment and persistence of a stalker, demonstrated by your frequent phone calls and personal visits during the past month. You easily outperformed all other candidates.

We also appreciated your numerous comments on my various social media feeds. You managed to type eerie compliments on every single post I made during the last 10 days — no easy task. You truly made my skin crawl and yet simultaneously…