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I’m about to show you the simplest strategy for writing clickbait articles. Seriously, sit down. This post is going to blow your mind. When I’m done, you won’t believe what you’ve just read.

First, clear your schedule. Cancel any meetings you had. This article demands your full attention. It’s going to take you forever to finally reach the place where I say something meaningful. I’m not even kidding. You’ll probably need at least three hours. Why? Get ready for a convoluted explanation.

You see, that’s one trick I’ve learned writing clickbait. Keep your readers scrolling. You want them to scroll as much as possible to test their commitment. Only people with a true sense of desperation and urgency deserve your advice.

I’m testing you right now.

Are you still scrolling?

Keep scrolling, dude.

Now I know what you’re thinking. When is she going to give me the advice!? Settle down. My advice is on the way.

First, let’s talk about my topic for a little while. We see clickbait everywhere on the web these days. The writers behind these articles make tons of cash. How much, exactly? I’m not going to tell you. That defeats the purpose of my art. Imagine they live in castles and ride robot unicorns to work everyday. Gorgeous women want to rip their clothes off.

You want that, don’t you? I’m creating a lifestyle portrait and selling you on the idea that following my advice will somehow grant you access to a secret world of privilege and pleasure. In reality, I spend most of my day at home in my pajamas. Honestly, I love it.

Now let’s talk about me. Here, I’ll give you a long story about how I started out as an underpaid, under-appreciated staff writer at a respectable magazine. Then I’ll tell you about how I met this one person with a secret so great she only shared it with people she trusted.

Are you still scrolling? Good.

So let’s switch gears a moment. I’ll tell you about that friend. Her name’s Amanda. Allow me to describe her in ways that aren’t related to my advice, or this secret that I’ve just started referencing. Does the secret relate to the advice somehow? Is this story going anywhere? If you want to find out, keep scrolling.

Amanda and I became great friends over time. I got to know her fiance really well. What’s that, you’re confused? Patience, young one. The truth takes time. I’m going to describe Amanda’s relationship problems and gently hint that somehow they prompted a search for meaning that resulted in this advice I’m about to share with you, which will change your life.

By this point, you’ve forgotten why you started reading this post. You’re just along for the ride, and I’m making everything up as I go.

Here, I’ll describe some erotic scenes between me, Amanda, and her fiance. And don’t forget about that secret from a couple of paragraphs ago. You’re about to find out. It’s completely worth your time.

But first, let me meditate on the nature of secrets for a while. I’ll also talk about things you enjoy like sex, sports, kittens, and recipes. These are all things you can write clickbait about.

Okay, you’re about to give up now. So I’ll go ahead and tell you my secret. You can find all of my advice on writing clickbait by visiting my website at some sketchy url with so many pop-ads it crashes your computer.

But you still want to know the secret, right? So you go out and buy a brand new laptop and then read my article again, thinking maybe you missed something. Maybe the advice is buried somewhere in the article. Maybe I’ve coded the secret into every letter on the left hand column.

You’re going to read my article so many times that you generate hundreds of ad impressions. You’ll share my article with your friends and ask them for their opinion. That’s why I am a fucking genius.

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