How to Meet Girls without Creeping Them Out

The science of first encounters

Jessica Wildfire
6 min readFeb 16, 2020


There’s nothing inherently sexist or evil about chatting up a girl in public — and asking her on a date. Almost everything that turns her off or creeps her out involves the how and why part.

So relax.

You can ask someone out at a coffee shop, a library, a laundromat, a grocery store, or even in the middle of the street.

But there’s a catch:

Absolutely nothing you say or do can make her like you if she’s not interested. The entire point of conversation is gauging her level of interest up front, and building rapport.

Humans like patterns and rituals. You can find one for just about any situation, including first encounters.

Obey the laws of greeting rituals

Linguists study how men and women interact in public. They’ve broken first encounters down into 5 stages:

  1. Sighting and recognition — you make eye contact. It’s easy. Just glance her way a few times. She’s not blind. If you’re attractive to her, she’ll notice you and return your looks.
  2. Distance salutation — smile at her. Wave. Do something to hold her eyes a few seconds longer. Establish mutual gaze, a brief moment when you’re both looking at each other.
  3. Approach — start walking over. If things are going well, she’ll glance away briefly and then reestablish eye contact.
  4. Close salutation — stop at conversation distance and say hi. Introduce yourself. Ask her if you can sit down, and how she’s doing.
  5. Backing off — shut up and give her a chance to reciprocate.

This works, and not because it’s some pick-up artist gimmick. This is human behavior and courtship, evolved over millennia. It’s the best and only way to establish relations with a stranger. When you follow these steps, you’re being honest and sincere. You’re not trying to game her. And you’re giving her a chance to shut down the encounter at any point.

This makes her feel respected, and safe.

If she doesn’t return your glances, she’s not interested. If she doesn’t smile — at least a little —…