A Q&A for politicians, CEOs, managers, and church officials
We’ve all experienced this tricky situation. You see a name on a funeral program, and mistake her for fast food. But it turns out to be a beautiful, talented young woman named Ariana Grande instead. Her singing (among other things) moves you.
You want to show her all the respect, but how?
You might think the obvious move is to drag this young woman awkwardly to the podium, where you sneak your fingers around her side boob, while making semi-racist jokes about her name.
Unfortunately, you made a mistake.
By the way, you could’ve said, “I thought you were a new drink at Starbucks.” That would’ve been funnier. But it’s too late now. Anyway, we’re not here to judge your jokes, just your behavior.
Mainly, we’ve come to show you how to hug women like Ariana Grande in public, without getting in trouble. Welcome.
First, we understand how you must feel
Everyone knows that side boob is technically not part of the boob proper. At best, it’s the outer suburbs.
The outer suboobs, if you will.
Plus, you did the same thing to every single person who performed at Aretha Franklin’s funeral. Nobody can log on to YouTube and fact check your hugging alibis. But if they did, they would see you groped everyone in the exact same way you did Ariana Grande.
Even Bill Clinton. In fact, he hugged you that way first. Bill Clinton has excellent side boob for his age.
Still, your actions angered the rest of the public. Now you’re in trouble. The feminists are at it again, ruining everything.
Of course, maybe you didn’t touch Ariana Grande inappropriately. You didn’t even attend Aretha Franklin’s funeral. But this incident concerns you, because you thought it was okay to cop a feel during a hug. Now you’re worried that you might, too, become the target of a vicious harassment campaign carried out by man-hating millennials. If so, read on.
It’s not fair
We know. First, #MeToo spoiled sexual assault. Now it’s coming for your hugs. Is nothing sacred anymore?
Men around the country have to be wondering. If you can’t touch a woman’s breasts during a hug, what’s left?
How do you hug a young woman in public and still touch her? Even more complicated, what if you don’t know her that well?
Don’t worry, there’s still plenty of areas on a woman’s body where you’re allowed to touch her during a hug.
Let’s get started!
Can I at least still touch her shoulders?
It’s fine to touch these areas during a hug lasting between three and five seconds. In case you’re not familiar, here’s what shoulders looks like on the female anatomy:
Wow, look at her. There’s a lot of other places I want to touch. Can I?
No, you can only touch the shoulders.
How long can I touch her shoulders?
You can touch her shoulders for the duration of the hug.
How do I know if I’ve touched her shoulders for too long?
If you touch a woman for too long, she’ll give you a signal.
What kind of signal will she give me?
She’ll look at you like this.
How do I touch her shoulders? Can I squeeze them?
You an apply light pressure to the shoulders during a hug. But be careful, a shoulder is not a boob. Don’t even try to pretend.
Can I touch her back?
Yes, you can touch her upper back. Your hand shouldn’t go below the shoulder blades, if you don’t know her that well.
What about her lower back?
This is probably not a good idea.
What if she’s drunk and/or wearing a short skirt?
It’s still probably not a great idea.
What if I touch her lower back, just for a second?
She’ll look at you like this:
Can I put my arm around her?
As long as you keep your hand on her shoulders.
Can I give her a neck massage during our hug?
You probably shouldn’t try to give a stranger a neck massage.
But if she looks tense and nervous, and I want her to loosen up some, can I give her a quick neck massage?
A quick neck massage from a stranger will probably make most young women more nervous. The same may also apply to men.
Can I touch her hips?
Most hugs stay above the waist. You really should just touch her on the shoulders, and not anywhere else.
What about her butt?
Unfortunately, the butt is usually located below the waist. In case you’re confused, here’s where the buttocks is located on the female anatomy. Note its position relative to the shoulders:
If nobody’s watching me, can I touch her butt?
You should always pretend like someone’s watching you.
If I think she might want to date me, but I don’t want to ask her out yet, can I put my arm around her and/or touch her butt during a hug, to see how she reacts?
No, you should probably just ask her out.
What if she actually wants me to touch her boobs or butt during a hug, and she’s too afraid to ask?
You can verbally offer to touch her boobs, and see what she says. If she says no, then you should probably err on the side of caution.
What if I accidentally touch her boobs?
You should try to keep your hands far away from her breasts at all times during the hug. Basically, unless you’re dating her, then concentrate your efforts on the shoulders.
I’m a comedian, I support equal pay, and she follows me on Instagram, so can I touch her boobs and/or butt ironically? She’s like a sister to me.
Normal people don’t usually grab their sister’s boobs, even during a hug. But you can ask and see what she says.
Actually, I make a lot of money and have a lot of power at my company/church/public office. Are you sure these rules apply to me?
These rules may still apply to you.
Are you sure it’s even possible to hug a woman without offending her? They’re so sensitive.
It’s hard to believe, but appropriate hugs do take place between members of the opposite sex. See the end of this post for an example. Pay special attention to the location of everyone’s hands.
What if she tells me she hates America, licks my donuts, and then offers me a hug?
Let her have the donuts, and slowly back away.
This is too complicated. I don’t want women accusing me of groping. What should I do?
We have an easy solution for you. Try to avoid hugging women of any age, nationality, or sexual orientation for the time being. Practice hugging men until you’ve built up some confidence and experience.
As you can see here, it’s possible to experience physical contact without confusion or ambiguity. Remember, you can always just shake someone’s hand. But don’t shake any other parts of their body. If this last point confuses you, see our related post on how to shake a woman’s hand.