How to Hug Ariana Grande in Public

A Q&A for politicians, CEOs, managers, and church officials

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JStone

First, we understand how you must feel

Everyone knows that side boob is technically not part of the boob proper. At best, it’s the outer suburbs.

It’s not fair

We know. First, #MeToo spoiled sexual assault. Now it’s coming for your hugs. Is nothing sacred anymore?

Can I at least still touch her shoulders?

It’s fine to touch these areas during a hug lasting between three and five seconds. In case you’re not familiar, here’s what shoulders looks like on the female anatomy:

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Wow, look at her. There’s a lot of other places I want to touch. Can I?

No, you can only touch the shoulders.

How long can I touch her shoulders?

You can touch her shoulders for the duration of the hug.

How do I know if I’ve touched her shoulders for too long?

If you touch a woman for too long, she’ll give you a signal.

What kind of signal will she give me?

She’ll look at you like this.

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How do I touch her shoulders? Can I squeeze them?

You an apply light pressure to the shoulders during a hug. But be careful, a shoulder is not a boob. Don’t even try to pretend.

Can I touch her back?

Yes, you can touch her upper back. Your hand shouldn’t go below the shoulder blades, if you don’t know her that well.

What about her lower back?

This is probably not a good idea.

What if she’s drunk and/or wearing a short skirt?

It’s still probably not a great idea.

What if I touch her lower back, just for a second?

She’ll look at you like this:

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Can I put my arm around her?

As long as you keep your hand on her shoulders.

Can I give her a neck massage during our hug?

You probably shouldn’t try to give a stranger a neck massage.

But if she looks tense and nervous, and I want her to loosen up some, can I give her a quick neck massage?

A quick neck massage from a stranger will probably make most young women more nervous. The same may also apply to men.

Can I touch her hips?

Most hugs stay above the waist. You really should just touch her on the shoulders, and not anywhere else.

What about her butt?

Unfortunately, the butt is usually located below the waist. In case you’re confused, here’s where the buttocks is located on the female anatomy. Note its position relative to the shoulders:

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Vladimir Gjorgiev

If nobody’s watching me, can I touch her butt?

You should always pretend like someone’s watching you.

If I think she might want to date me, but I don’t want to ask her out yet, can I put my arm around her and/or touch her butt during a hug, to see how she reacts?

No, you should probably just ask her out.

What if she actually wants me to touch her boobs or butt during a hug, and she’s too afraid to ask?

You can verbally offer to touch her boobs, and see what she says. If she says no, then you should probably err on the side of caution.

What if I accidentally touch her boobs?

You should try to keep your hands far away from her breasts at all times during the hug. Basically, unless you’re dating her, then concentrate your efforts on the shoulders.

I’m a comedian, I support equal pay, and she follows me on Instagram, so can I touch her boobs and/or butt ironically? She’s like a sister to me.

Normal people don’t usually grab their sister’s boobs, even during a hug. But you can ask and see what she says.

Actually, I make a lot of money and have a lot of power at my company/church/public office. Are you sure these rules apply to me?

These rules may still apply to you.

Are you sure it’s even possible to hug a woman without offending her? They’re so sensitive.

It’s hard to believe, but appropriate hugs do take place between members of the opposite sex. See the end of this post for an example. Pay special attention to the location of everyone’s hands.

What if she tells me she hates America, licks my donuts, and then offers me a hug?

Let her have the donuts, and slowly back away.

This is too complicated. I don’t want women accusing me of groping. What should I do?

We have an easy solution for you. Try to avoid hugging women of any age, nationality, or sexual orientation for the time being. Practice hugging men until you’ve built up some confidence and experience.

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Roman Samborskyi

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