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How to Hug Ariana Grande in Public
A Q&A for politicians, CEOs, managers, and church officials
We’ve all experienced this tricky situation. You see a name on a funeral program, and mistake her for fast food. But it turns out to be a beautiful, talented young woman named Ariana Grande instead. Her singing (among other things) moves you.
You want to show her all the respect, but how?
You might think the obvious move is to drag this young woman awkwardly to the podium, where you sneak your fingers around her side boob, while making semi-racist jokes about her name.
Unfortunately, you made a mistake.
By the way, you could’ve said, “I thought you were a new drink at Starbucks.” That would’ve been funnier. But it’s too late now. Anyway, we’re not here to judge your jokes, just your behavior.
Mainly, we’ve come to show you how to hug women like Ariana Grande in public, without getting in trouble. Welcome.
First, we understand how you must feel
Everyone knows that side boob is technically not part of the boob proper. At best, it’s the outer suburbs.
The outer suboobs, if you will.
Plus, you did the same thing to every single person who performed at Aretha Franklin’s funeral…
