Satire

How to Be a Haute Mess All The Time

A recipe for self-destruction

Hey, you over there. Aren’t you tired of having your act together all the time? Don’t you roll your eyes at all those morning routine blogs and productivity listicles? Wouldn’t it be more fun to learn from someone who doesn’t have it together, and never gets anything done — but looks carefree (and so cute) while not doing it?

Good thing for you, a haute mess is here to explain her ways.

Now these girls…

They know how to have fun, which is the most important thing in life. Responsibility just ages you.

So how can you be more like them?

Not that you really want to, or need to. You’re just curious how the other half survives in such a whirlwind of self-hate and sabotage.

Attitude is absolutely everything

Your mess needs a little flare, a masterstroke of sass. The right attitude and self-talk, that’s where we go from hot mess to haute mess. You want to make everything in your life a crisis. But you want to approach every crisis with a sense of humor, so you can tweet about it.

You have to be sarcastic about everything.

Haute means fashionably elegant or high-class.

Confused? Think Eurotrash.

Eurotrash means rich European socialites, especially those living or working in the U.S.

This is exactly the vibe you want to give off. Somewhat educated. Alluring. But also addled and careless.

You basically want to be the kind of girl that Jason Bourne, Jack Ryan, or Austin Powers would make love to before leaving classified intel in your hand bag that gets you killed.

Obviously, you want to have a slight attitude ALL THE TIME. A little chip on your shoulder suggests a mysterious past.

Stop distinguishing between they’re, there, and their

Nothing lowers you in a smart, responsible person’s eyes like slipping up some basic grammar. Let’s practice:

There just jealous of you

Look over their, a Sephora!

Tell everyone to charge they’re phones this time

This is the quickest way to get everyone to start appreciating you only for your looks. Because everyone knows, hauties never read a dictionary. But also, when someone calls you on it, you can act like you know these rules — you’re just not bound by them.

(That’s the haute part, which we’ll get to…)

Conform to as many stereotypes as possible

It’s easier than you think. Just start doing all the things your parents and their friends assume you do on weekends. Don’t worry — no matter who you are, there’s a stereotype that suits you perfectly.

So just do that all the time.

The thing about stereotypes is that they’re super fun. It’s a blast to spend too much time on your phone, party all night, and wake up the next morning with stale Cheetos in your hair.

You also need to start listening exclusively to Taylor Swift, Kanye West, Katy Perry, and Selena Gomez.

What you really need as a haute mess is a nonstop, 24–7, all out cat fight in your head.

None of these musicians can stand each other. And that’s exactly what you want. You want one impulse or desire to always be hissing or swiping at another. Because everyone knows, cat fights are hot.

What guys are really after is a girl constantly in secret turmoil with herself, one who occasionally hisses and scratches the air.

OMG, such a haute mess…

Work up a new mourning routine

Wait, is it morning… or mourning? The second one — that’s how they say it in Great Britain, with an extra vowel for distinction.

A mature adult probably wakes up around 7 or 8 am, does some yoga, bathes, and then goes to work.

Not you! At least, not anymore.

A hot mess doesn’t have a routine of any kind, let alone a morning one. You’re like a bag blowing in the wind.

Just like the one in American Beauty.

What is the mourning of a hot mess like?

  1. Wake up and check your pulse. Yeah, still alive.
  2. Wear did that stain come from?
  3. Try to figure out how your coffee maker works.
  4. Your dad gave it to you for Christmas.
  5. Why do they call them K-Cups?
  6. OMG, K-Cups, that bra would be HUGE.
  7. Take an UBER to Starbucks.
  8. Order the most complicated drink possible, and ask them to add an extra half-shot of espresso.

9. Look at other girls doing yoga on Instagram

Send the pics to your friends with captions like, “So staged!” but also secretly wonder if you could be that girl.

After all, you’re up at dawn sometimes.

By accident.

But still, maybe you could finally pay off your debt if you started up a side hustle as a social media influencer.

Seriously, why not you?

10. Wait until the barista calls your name 5 times

That’s how you clench it. Now everyone in the whole place knows your name, but they wonder if you do.

Btw, this can be your afternoon routine, too.

Never show up anywhere on time

Punctuality, that’s for squares. Your new job is to show up everywhere exactly 17 minutes late. Why 17?

You have to be careful about showing up late. You want to show up just late enough to piss everyone off.

But not so late they give up and leave.

It also helps if you have the same lame excuse all the time. Traffic. Contact lenses. An argument with a friend.

You can cycle them. It makes you look more interesting.

There’s one exception to this rule

Show up to restaurants and stores exactly 6 minutes before they open. Again, timing is crucial.

You have to be careful about showing up early. You want to show up just early enough to piss off the employees.

But not so early they’ll actually turn you away.

Use open body language. Maybe wave and toss your hair. Mouth the words “Are you open?” over and over.

Establish a pattern.

If they won’t let you in, or try to ignore you, just keep doing that for the whole six minutes.

Because if you get in even 2 minutes early, it’s a win.

Show up right before closing time

This does really well at restaurants. But it also works at libraries, stores, museums, and the post office.

Especially grocery stores…

Probably shoot for 21 minutes before a place closes. Why 21?

You have to be careful with showing up before a place closes. You want to show up late enough that it pisses off the employees.

But not so late that they can tell you, “Sorry, we’re closed.”

If you’re serious about this, though, you really need to bring a few friends along with you. Stay as long as humanly possible.

Constantly forget your wallet (or handbag)

A haute mess never pays for anything. You wonder how she gets away with it. Well, she’s charming in her own way.

A haute mess is so disorganized, it looks intentional.

Always eat food to-go

You’re only allowed to buy fruits and vegetables for two purposes:

  1. Taking photos in your kitchen.
  2. Letting them rot in a basket on a table.

Only clean up before the next party

Obviously, what do you care if there’s dried cat food on the coffee table?

Or a dried cat?

Ask for a raise. every. single. week.

Because you deserve it.

Brag about things you’ll never do

A haute mess has big dreams. One day, she’s going to live on a Pacific island. Screw society’s expectations.

Have meltdowns when everyone least expects

The life of a haute mess takes a ton of energy.

She has to walk the fine line between entertaining, baffling, and irritating everyone in her vast social circle.

When it all gets too overwhelming, just break down and cry — especially in front of people. Every few months, post a status update about how you’ve decided to slow down and enjoy life.

And then go on a vacation. If you’re a true haute mess, someone else is always willing to pay for it.

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