Guys, stop sending pictures of your junk
Send us an unsolicited pic of yourself in a tux instead.
Lots of young studs just love sending snapshots of their jewels to unsuspecting women. Their reasons vary. Some think they stand a chance. Others get off on the thrill of grossing out girls.
Some guys even expose themselves to women on subways and take photos of their reactions. They jerk off to them later.
There’s no accounting for taste.
Here’s my main question. Do these guys spend as much time on their dick pics as girls do on their selfies?
Because I spend a helluva long time on a selfie. For one decent pic, I take fifty or sixty from different angles.
So if you’re a guy, do you take a hundred pics of your junk and swipe through your phone to find just the right one?
Have you ever tried snapchat filters on your junk?
Do you know what your junk looks like in sepia tone?
If not, are you even trying?
I mean, c’mon. A good selfie takes me an hour. But I’m just wasting my breath. Girls take ten times as long to get ready for a date. Makes sense we’d spend more time on selfies too— above or below the belt.
At least half of women under 30 have experienced the pure joy of unsolicited dick pics. It’s turned into a kind of joke. A rite of passage almost.
On a personal level, I don’t even care anymore. Dick pics are just another kind of spam. That’s a healthy reaction in some ways. Nothing about the human body shocks me.
A penis is a penis is a penis.
A dick pic is like a traffic accident. I glance once and shudder. Then I go about my day. Nothing to see here. Move along.
But seriously. If you’ve sent someone an uninvited dick pic, stop. And if you know someone who has, tell them to quit.
Friends don’t let friends send unsolicited dick pics.
God forbid you accidentally wind up showing your package to a minor. Not everyone who says they’re 18+ on social media’s telling the truth. Keep it zipped. At least for your own sake.
You don’t want to have to drop your pants in a lineup down at the police station, for some teen’s mom to compare you against a grainy photo.
How embarrassing.
Allow me to explain how sexual attraction works for a lot of people. Maybe not everyone. But most. You see, we evaluate partners based on lots of factors — looks, personality, looks, and personality.
There’s also looks.
And finally, personality.
Okay, fine. Intelligence. But you don’t have to be a brain surgeon. Or a rock star lawyer. We don’t need no millionaires. Someone who can hold down a full-time job will do just fine.
Go ahead. Call me superficial. A coworker of mine used to complain about shallow “chicks” all the time. This was back when I worked for newspapers. He talked about the vain, immature nature of American women. Apparently we only cared about looks, charm, and salary.
Out of curiosity, I asked this guy to describe what he considered to be a woman’s ideal male. When he was done, I thought for a minute and said, “So basically, James Bond. With a side of Ryan Gosling?”
The guy didn’t catch my sarcasm. I’ll admit, my sarcasm’s dry.
Anyways, he nodded. “Exactly. James Fucking Bond.”
How telling. You see, James Bond works as an appealing fantasy. But he’s not exactly relationship material. If you know what I mean. Boy, what a fantasy though. He blows in for scotch and sex after a dangerous mission. Full of witty quips. He brings roses, covered in blood of course.
Except that doesn’t exist in real life.
Anyway, we got side-tracked. At no point did my coworker ever say much about penis size. We all assume 007 has a giant penis. But what if he doesn’t? Maybe he has a regular 4–6 inch sex organ.
Fine by me. So even the most inflated sexual stereotypes have almost nothing to do with genitalia.
This means stop sending pictures of your junk.
If you want to impress a woman, send an unsolicited pic of yourself in a tuxedo. You might get somewhere.
You could also bake a casserole and send a pic of that. Every girl loves a hot casserole. Or maybe send her kitten pics.
Poetry is also a possibility. But please, no longer than 10 lines. We’re busy. Don’t send us an epic love poem.
Send literally anything except your junk. Look, I know you may want approval. Or validation. But most penises don’t differ that much. No amount of length or girth can make up for other weaknesses.
Some studies have said men like to get the basics out of the way. So by sending a girl their junk, they’re dispensing with formalities. I’ll call this the “love it or leave it” approach.
If you honestly think that, don’t let me rain on your parade. But don’t lead with the pic. Send a request first. Something simple. Like, “Would you like to see my dick?” If she says yes, fire away.
If she sends you an emoji, proceed with caution. I can’t guarantee that a smile constitutes consent. Even on Twitter.
And if you don’t get an answer, move along. No means no. And silence also means no. There’s plenty of chicks out there. Start at the top and work your way down.
A little free advice. Don’t start all the way at the top. Odds are Katy Perry won’t send you an emoji one way or the other. Besides, she’s seen Russell Brand’s penis. And I doubt you’ll compete.
There’s one last option. It’s drastic. Hang with me here. Imagine beauty pageants. But for penises. Safe. Sanctioned. We could probably even get Simon Cowell to judge.
Maybe NBC would pick it up as a reality show. You could send out invitations. Given the right promotion, this option could really work for a segment of the population, for whom penis presentation matters.
Look at me, using the word whom. First time ever for a blog post. If you ever doubted I was an English teacher, let all doubt now dissolve.
It’s not such a crazy idea. Kind of like an adult version of The Bachelorette. With a dash of Jeopardy. Anyone can submit an application. A panel of judges screens participants. And the finalists get to drop their pants on national television.
Or maybe Twitter could add something along with lines of their blue check mark. Something to signify an impressive male organ. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Let the chicks come to you for a change. After all, it must be a lot of work sending out all those pics. Not to mention how long you must spend finding the right angle and lighting. And the filter.
