Crisis Management Advice from Cats

Dear Cats,

My manager’s been sexually harassing me for weeks. The other day, he asked me out on a date and then said he loved it when I wore skinny jeans on Casual Friday. He tries to give me massages all the time, and he always texts me his stupid workout pics. I’m afraid to report him to HR because I’m going up for a big promotion soon. What should I do?

Thanks,

— Heather

Dear Heather,

Our owners try to touch us without our consent all the time. We hate it. When that happens, we slap them with our paws and hiss until they go away. Sometimes, we also hide in tight corners where they can’t reach us with their smelly hands. Works every time. Give that a shot.

You’re welcome,

— Cats

Dear Cats,

My boyfriend’s cheating on me, and I don’t know what to do. I’m not just imagining the affair. I literally caught him in the act with another girl last night. My friends say I should leave him, but we’re still in love. He’s smart, funny, successful, attractive... Best guy ever, besides the cheating. Plus, we co-signed on an apartment and the landlord won’t cut me a break.

— Megan

Dear Megan,