A Street Guide to Feminism

Some people still don’t get it. You meet these people in real life, not just the Internet. Sometimes, it’s even a woman. One college girl tried to explain to me how society has ruined a generation of men by catering to women and feminism — at the expense of male needs.

Apparently men need a certain amount of power and privilege. Otherwise, civilization comes apart.

Inequality makes the world go round.

A few of my students always show up with a certain attitude toward feminism. They equate it with every evil in the world.

But you don’t have to read cultural theory in French to understand the truth. Feminism isn’t that complicated or radical.

Most people like feminism once they give it a chance.

For starters, let’s agree that men can buy their own groceries. Cook their own meals. Do their own laundry. And even clean up after themselves. At least half of men know how to use a vacuum cleaner. So while we can call these behaviors feminist, it really just comes down to self-sufficiency.

If you’re 16 or older and still make your mom, girlfriend, or wife do any of these things for you on a regular basis, you’re not sexist.

You’re just a lazy dick face.

Moving on.

A feminist doesn’t have to believe in a wage gap with every fiber of their being. But look at the evidence — literally by just googling for it. Plus, given that women haven’t even enjoyed the right to vote for a full century, do you think maybe it’s still possible that women make less money?

Not every woman earns 70 cents on the dollar compared to every man. Economics get complicated. All a feminist believes is that it would be a good idea to create some kind of oversight to ensure that men and women actually make equal pay for the same quality of work.

A feminist believes in consensual sex. Nobody is entitled to it. Any semi-healthy adult who can’t get laid should consider working on their personality. Think about the qualities any sane human looks for in a partner — a mix of looks, smarts, and kindness.

The recent movement of involuntary celibates has nothing to stand on. There’s nothing complex going on here. People love to make excuses for themselves and blame their problems on conspiracies. Incels don’t have a legacy of slavery or oppression, so they have to imagine their plight. They’ve found out how to amplify their dissatisfaction on the Internet.

A feminist believes that pro-life applies to your own personal decisions. You can decide if you want abortions or not. If you’re a man, then you can decide to date or marry a pro-life woman.

Being a feminist doesn’t mean you have to love abortions and birth control. You’re just not going to boss around other people.

Cat-calling happens. A feminist understands we’ll probably never eradicate it. As long as dick wads exist, so will cat-calling. Just like every other form of oppression. But we can keep it in check.

You see, some women enjoy the attention. Others don’t. There’s no way to tell how a woman might respond.

The smart thing to do is nothing. If you see a pretty girl on the street, then you can check her out with your mouth closed.

Some men protest. If they see a beautiful woman, they want to tell her. Okay, fine. But don’t act surprised if she ignores you. Just as you can’t tell how she’ll respond, she has no idea what your intentions are.

Are you just giving her a compliment? Or are you about to rape her? That’s what goes on inside some women’s minds.

So pay your compliment, and then go on with your day. If she doesn’t react the way you want, it’s not personal. Maybe she’s having a shit day. Or maybe the last time she smiled and said thanks, the guy didn’t leave her alone. It happens. The world has nasty little corners.

A feminist doesn’t want every single person accused of sexual misconduct to go to jail. But look at the evidence. Anyone skeptical of the #MeToo movement can find loads of information about the shortcomings of our legal system when it comes to assault.

Someone accused of sexual assault should be treated like any other suspect in a criminal investigation.

Maybe you’re shocked that they aren’t. That’s just it. The ordeals women face in finding justice sound unbelievable. Almost as unbelievable as the idea that it was once acceptable — even encouraged — to own other human beings and force them to work in your back yard.

But that happened. It’s well-documented, just like the number of sexual assaults that go uninvestigated and unpunished every year.

So, just keep an open mind.

A feminist celebrates all types of bodies, even the twiggy ones. There’s nothing wrong with a man or woman who makes a career out of looking really thin and modeling clothes.

It’s unhealthy and dangerous to expect every woman to look like a runway model. Some bodies come gifted with high metabolism, or their owners don’t mind working out every day to look a certain way and denying themselves almost every form of sugar. Other people will eat cheesecake every day, and don’t give fuck what you think about their waist size. The rest of us fall somewhere in between. Deal with it.

Relax, body positivity won’t deprive thirsty fellas of porn stars, selfie queens, and supermodels. Your lingerie catalog and swimsuit issue will still arrive as scheduled, and you can wank to it all you want.

A feminist just asks that, in exchange for an everlasting supply of gorgeous ladies, thirsty fellas keep their opinions to themselves.

We don’t need extra people to explain fitness and nutrition to strangers at the gym, or to remind anyone that they don’t fit someone’s narrow definition of beauty. They already know. Hopefully, they don’t care.

Speaking of porn, feminists don’t hate it. It’s true that watching too much of a specific type leads to problems.

That’s the thing. Feminism wants to offer alternatives — different versions of porn, ones that portray realistic sex and different body types. And most of us want sex workers to enjoy rights and respect, so they can advocate for themselves when it comes to pay, etc.

A sexist simply wants to consume porn, and doesn’t give a shit about the people who make it. Sexists want all women to behave like their own personal porn stars. If a woman wants to have sex with them to the exclusion of every other male, that’s awesome.

But if a woman enjoys sex in general, then she’s a slut.

You see, a feminist doesn’t always subscribe to a set of radical beliefs. They don’t hate men. They’re not interested in ruining everyone’s fun, or closing down all the strip clubs.

They don’t want to control the world. Just 50 percent of it.

Of course, it might look like that to anyone who’s used to doing and saying whatever they want, whenever they want. That’s why sexists also turn out to be gigantic assholes in general. So when you think about it, feminism’s really about fighting dick faces, something everyone could do more of.