50 problems you shouldn’t worry about (but probably will)

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We’ve all got a bad habit of creating problems for ourselves that live in our heads. We expect perfection from the world. Today, I decided to list every irritation that’s come across my mind in the last two days. Around 50, I ran out of complaints. Take a look.

50. This Starbucks line’s taking forever. All I wanted was a black coffee, dammit. They should have a separate VIP line for purists.

49. Tomorrow’s Monday. That means I can’t do whatever I want. Again. This is going to be a weekly thing, isn’t it? Complaining about Monday’s not even original. Nobody cares that I don’t like Monday, and that makes it so much worse.

48. Cold chicken tastes terrible.

47. Microwaved chicken tastes even worse.

46. This person’s taking forever to explain what they want. The request could’ve been so simple. In fact, I could’ve finished doing the thing they want by now. But they’re still talking…

46. Great. Another voicemail that could’ve been an email. Maybe I should send an email to the company list-serv telling people to stop leaving me voice mails. But then that would flood my inbox with emails.

44. That person said “hi” to me, but I don’t know them. Weird. Should I know them? Did I just offend someone?

43. The POTUS doesn’t know the difference between there, they’re, and their.

42. I just caught a typo in a story I published. Everyone’s going to think I’m an idiot now.

41. Someone at work died. Now there’s going to be sooooo many emails expressing condolences and announcing the funeral, etc. There’s literally nothing I can do about it.

40. My car’s low on gas again. Nobody told me this was going to be a weekly thing. When are we finally going to get solar powered hover crafts?

39. That guy totally didn’t use his turn signal. He’s not going to get away with it this time. I’m going to follow him and take a picture of….wait, he’s going a different way. Fuck it, I’m not that crazy.

38. Look at all this litter on the roadside. Humanity deserves extinction. The next person I see litter, I’m going to….oh, never mind….

37. Someone, somewhere out there, doesn’t like me. This is completely unacceptable. Everyone must like me.

36. Someone, somewhere out there, thinks I’m not good at my job. Also unacceptable. I’m going to write down a complete list of all the wonderful things I do at work, as soon as I have time.

35. I’ll probably have to do my taxes on a weekend night. I don’t even get a refund anymore. Living in a higher tax bracket sucks.

34. This thing I ordered on Amazon hasn’t arrived yet. Why the hell am I paying for a prime membership if my order doesn’t always come exactly 24 hours later?

33. The toilet seat feels soooo cold when I sit down.

32. I left my gloves in my other coat. Now I have to put my hands in my pockets when I walk, like a total creep.

31. Netflix buffered twice last night for an entire 12 seconds. The indignity. My shows must stream flawlessly for me to recover from the stress of my workdays. Anything less drives me to drink.

30. One room in my house doesn’t ever reach the exactly right temperature. If that weren’t bad enough, some of my frying pans don’t fit perfectly in the sink. They tilt at an angle. We need major renovations.

29. My inbox grows and grows. I’ll never get it down to zero. Sometimes, late at night, I fantasize about hitting “delete all.” Who would stop me?

28. Someone made a condescending remark toward me during a meeting. I can never work with this person again.

27. I had to repeat myself, like, twice to someone before they understood what I wanted.

26. People don’t use exercise machines properly. They should ask me for help. I love telling people what to do.

25. Exactly three weeks have passed since my last compliment. Something’s not right here. Am I about to get fired?

24. My hilarious tweet only got 24 likes. There must be some kind of conspiracy afoot. I’m funny as hell, truly.

23. Someone seems to be enjoying more success than me right now. How on earth did this person become so successful and remain so happy-looking? They must be a robot.

22. Hot dogs don’t cook themselves. In fact, most foods don’t.

21. Someone called me Ms. instead of Dr. And if I correct them, I’ll look like a huge bitch. $40K wasted.

20. I might feel obliged to have sex with my partner. I’m not opposed to the idea, but I’d rather stay in bed and eat triscuits.

19. This commercial keeps airing, and I can’t stand it. The 21st century promised so much, but it can’t even deliver decent ads.

18. Someone wants to have lunch with me, at a restaurant I don’t especially care for. This will ruin my afternoon. I’ll need a nap to recover.

17. A lot of my favorite shows have left Netflix. And I’m too lazy to sign up for Hulu. Fine, I’ll sign up for Hulu.

16. This website won’t let me use a weak password. Who the hell are these people to judge my password?

15. They won’t let me use any of my last 6 passwords. I’m going to be here all day, aren’t I?

14. No matter what I try, my eyebrows will never look like Kylie Jenner’s. Even if I buy her makeup.

13. People whistling by my office, like they can’t see me in here trying to answer all the emails. Oh, wait. They probably can’t…

12. People chewing gum, potato chips, crackers, popcorn, or anything else that I can hear inside their mouth.

11. People using outside voices outside. Just use your inside voice everywhere. Much less offensive to me.

10. I really wish I’d worn a different color shirt today.

9. My Keurig coffee maker jammed. So now I have to break out my old one.

8. These shoes don’t go with any of my favorite outfits.

7. It started raining at the exact moment I decided to leave my house. I mean, I have an umbrella, but still…

6. My alarm clock expects me to touch it in a very specific place before it stops making noise. It doesn’t respond to random slaps.

5. My parking deck only takes $1 bills. I don’t use cash anymore. So I specifically have to go to my bank and withdraw singles. They probably think I’m a drug dealer, or a strip club owner.

4. Bitcoin’s down today. I own a fraction of a percent of a Bitcoin. Both of these facts irritate me.

3. Someone told me something I already know. Can’t they see I’m a genius? I already know everything. They obviously don’t know who they’re dealing with. But I have to be polite. I can’t even tell them something like, “I already knew that, but thanks.” Because that’s rude.

2. Someone assumed I knew something important and got short with me. I’m a genius, not a mind reader. I only know the things worth knowing, not whatever nonsense happens to rattle around people’s heads.

1.Someone liked my tweet but didn’t retweet it. Why would someone do that? It’s a deliberate snub.

Written by

She’s the funny one. jessica.wildfire.writer@gmail.com

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